About personal things and control

About personal things and control
(22 June 2019)

When we value something, we tend to enhance our control over it, in one way or another. It can be our personal stuff or even the people close to us.
When we share the things we value, we want to make sure that the other person will take care of them according to our expectations. When the other person takes the initiative to use our things, we feel less comfortable, not because of the action itself, but due to the will of the other person, which lies outside of our direct control.
This does not mean we do not trust the other person, but simply that our need to have control is stronger than the trust. It is not because we value our things more than the other person, but simply because fear of loss is a very strong emotion to handle. Most of the time, this fear is outside of our control.

Now… will such a situation impact the trust we have in the other person ?
It depends on how well we manage the fear of loss, on how stressed we are and how strong the emotion is at that time. This is rarely about the other person. It is about ourselves and our emotional intelligence, which can be developed to reduce our reaction to such situations.

If we happen to actually be the other person in such a situation, what we could do is to make sure our friend is feeling fine and the emotional stress is handled. We can take the situation as a lesson for ourselves, in case we would be in that situation ourselves.


What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.

— Jiddu Krishnamurti

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